Cazadero, California

Now Accepting Applications

Hello all,

We have a big event coming up in February.  The dates are February 22 – 24th.

The event will be held in Cazadero, CA, just 2 hours north of San Francisco and about 15 minutes inland from the Pacific Ocean.  The peace and solitude you will feel at this location will be amazing.  It’s a wonderful venue surrounded by nature, trees, birds, and the ocean.

]]> http://jaycradeur.com/2012/12/18/bridge-february-2013/feed/ 0 http://jaycradeur.com/2012/12/11/unrelenting-rain/ http://jaycradeur.com/2012/12/11/unrelenting-rain/#comments Tue, 11 Dec 2012 23:02:35 +0000 Jay Cradeur http://jaycradeur.com/?p=2108 Last week,  I told my Dad some advice I wish he had given me.  I said “Dad, you never told me this…  If you chop up jalapeno peppers, be sure to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.”  I told him I had a very uncomfortable hour at the It’s A Grind coffee shop while I was pondering this poem.  Needless to say, he laughed long and hard.  Good to see the old man laugh long and hard.  Really good!  I am so fortunate to have this time with him.

And so as I looked out the window, drinking my mocha, I thought about relationships in the context of a rainy day.

The Unrelenting Rain

 

God’s tears of uproarious  laughter as

men and women sort out the ancients

A herculean chance at redemption

The sound of rain sets me to trance

 

No way to avoid the travails if

you should dare tangle with Kali

Or choose easy peace and walk away

Tiny drip drops ease heart’s hurts

 

Stoic monks chant strong in golden light as

frankincense purifies all of our senses

They sacrifice for something quite profound

Water drops fall into churning ocean waves

 

Storms clouds always move fast and

it’s happening, slippery and out of control

Embrace the grey insanity or go crazy

Cool air refreshes the hurried harried spirit

 

Burn the pirate map to buried treasure for

the journey is underway now, and now

She is always out there, and I choose her

Water kissing my face makes me smile

 

Stand in the rain and get wet, there’s

no surprise and still we’re surprised

What a band of ridiculous brothers

Sorting out that which can’t be

 

The fire burns a saintly red glow with

your hand in mine, we walk the miles

Knowing you and feeling you like no other

Your delicate dancing rain opens my heart

 

Its grey outside, moist and intoxicating while

the fireplace inside roars delicious warmth

And so I traipse in for what we unwittingly long

Entwined, cuddled n warm for a wisp of a moment

 

Jay Cradeur

November 25, 2012

The River That Is Always Flowing.

Not too long ago, a woman broke my heart. (I do realize I did it to myself, but let’s not get too bogged down in detail. Bear with me…)

This is not the first time. Far from it. In a long life in which I freely share my love, it is bound to happen from time to time. But this was different. I did not see it coming. If you have ever watched the show Survivor on television, you may have seen the dreaded blindside, where some poor player (aka Sap) thinks everything is fine and dandy, and then WHAM, he is sent home packing. Never saw it coming. Had I seen it coming, it would have been different. But I didn’t see it coming, and for that I am now eternally grateful. I wasn’t so grateful back then when it happened. Oh no! Since it was such a sudden surprise, the sting was ever so potent.

Each time I have felt the despair of the loss of a partner, I go to a place where I find solace. No, it’s not Krispy Kreme! Rather, this is a place of nourishment (definitely not KK), a place of stillness, a place of beauty and grace. It lives in the depth of my soul like a river that is always flowing. Each time I go there, I am reminded that this place is my home. And each time I go there, I keep more and more of it with me.

I recently invited someone to say the words “I love you.” I wonder if folks realize that saying “I love you” is a gift we give to ourselves. It is such a statement of expansion, and inclusion, and magnanimity. I am a fortunate guy for I have loads of people who tell me they love me. My friends and family are the best. But what is even better than hearing it, and feeling it, is telling someone that I love them. There is available, each and every time, an amazing gift in the speaking of those words. It is a release, a freeing up, and a powerful statement of generosity and gratitude. But most hold it back, living as if love is in short supply, so better not let too much of it go. You might run out?

While some live a life designed to protect the proverbial heart, I suggest they are missing out on the real sustenance of our existence. The love of another is not it. The love of a God is not it. It is not even the love of a child. No doubt, these all feel good when they appear, but they are tenuous at best. There lives in the river that is always flowing a love which I am. It is not something I need to protect or defend or hold back. It doesn’t get hurt and it doesn’t run out. It is always pulsing through our veins and imbuing us with every breath. This is a profound paradigm shift, tilting our individual axis to a world of love and generosity, rather that grasp and defend. Try it on for size. You’ll see, the sun suddenly shines through the window much brighter.

The wailing of broken hearts is the doorway to God.

~ Rumi

And so, why not go out into the world and feel the release of letting go? Unclench the tightening fist. Feel what is already there, and has been hiding all along. Go love someone like crazy and see what happens. Don’t let the fear stop you. If your heart gets obliterated from time to time, so much the better. The goal is not to stay intact, but to vaporize and reconstitute and expand. This is the fundamental nature of transformation. Dive deep into the river that is always flowing. A broken heart is one way in. A broken heart is a swan dive into the waters of the divine. Feel that which never disappoints. Feel who you are beneath all the layers of protection and defense mechanisms. There you will find love. There you will find you. There you will dance like a dervish, mindless and free.

************

By Jay Cradeur
November 21, 2012

On Truth

Truth
Unstoppable
Unwavering
A freight train coming headlong
Grizzly cuts
Hard punch to the gut
A brutal beheading
God himself will be bludgeoned

You and me is the lie

Unmistakable
Obsessive
Ruthless
Truth waits for no one
Release the grasping fist
Acceptance is the ground to walk
Surrender is the road less traveled
Vulnerability carries the day

What is true?

Insanity
Darkness
Panic
Untruths are the shackles
Dread is the invitation
Blackness is the keyhole
Dive deep into the underworld
Give up the ghost

You are me is the truth

Unclench
Breathe
Relax
A swaddled newborn
Sun shines through the window
Freedom bellows from the heavens
Beauty burns the virgin eyes
At last, truth, bloody well-earned truth.

************

Jay Cradeur
November 18, 2012

I have never been in combat, but I do know fear and vulnerability. I tried to capture what it might be like to serve, to make the ultimate sacrifice, and to be remembered.

God Bless The Soldiers!!!

Got Your Back.

The enemy is all around
Terror lives in my soul
All I have is my bud Jack
Jack’s here, he’s got my back.

The hot bullets explode by
Hissing and whizzing loud
Stay low and shoot away
Jack and I could die today

I am so damned scared
If just one hits the mark
Spewing out blood and foam
I’m off to my heavenly home

We give all to the cause
Life and limb at greatest peril
This may be my last breath
On my shoulder is cold death

He’s Jack, he’s got my back
We share a bond soldered strong
An alchemy of courage and faith
Two young grunts here in the eighth

Remember me. Private Nathan West.
I took one hot n fierce to the neck
The ultimate sacrifice, me to you
I’m someone till now you never knew

Jack he felt me slump down
Saw the blood erupt crimson
I told him then and there
God I love her, it’s not fair

She’ll forget me and move on
My kids will adjust, I hope so
Never smell their fresh bathed head
Never feel her tender touch in bed

Enjoy your freedom burning bright
Drink you mocha
Kiss your kids good night
Because of soldiers, it’s all right

Remember me and Jack
And all the others who protect
Don’t take us for granted, No!
Celebrate us strong, forever so.

We had your back, me and Jack
So toast us proud on Veterans Day.
I am looking down at you now
You wipe the sweat from my brow

By Jay Cradeur

I can’t imagine what it is like to find out you have cancer in January, and then to be gone ten short months later in October.  Life is so fragile.  It is tenuous at best.  I just want to kiss the people that I love.  Yesterday was the day I heard the news.  I often do some writing on the weekend, and I was having a bit of writers’ block.  I even asked a friend to suggest something for me to write.  Then all this poured out of me in about 30 minutes.  I am not sure how this ties in with the loss of Michael, but it does.  That I do know.  I don’t even remember writing it.  Here you go.

Looking back through my life, I can identify 8 phases or stages of development as it pertains to achieving clarity.  I don’t know if everyone goes through these steps one by one, or some people skip a step here and there.  I present these as a guideline, or a set of markers, for someone to gauge where they are at, and where they are going.

1 – Budding Awareness.

There comes a time when we feel that something doesn’t ring true.  For all of our life, we have been given information.  We have been told how to behave, how to function in society, and what to believe.  The key phrase for this phase is “things aren’t what they seem.”  Another way to put it is “the story I have been told does not ring true.”   During this phase, there is a spark of excitement.  It is our true nature to be free of all false notions and beliefs, and during this phase, we begin the process of returning to our true nature, and that is very stimulating.  The degree of our desire and curiosity from this point forward will determine just how fast we move to the ultimate clarity and freedom which awaits us all.

2 – The Noise.

Once the excitement dies down, we return to our current state of being.  While our awareness has expanded to notice things are not what they seem, and perhaps the way we have been experiencing our whole life is shifting, our awareness in other areas also increases.  Most noticeably, it starts to get a bit louder in our head.  Throughout this whole process, we will be butting heads with our ego.  We are not out to kill the ego, for we need the ego to survive.  Rather, we are going to learn to tame the ego, quiet the ego, and understand all the complexities of the ego.  Your greater awareness triggers a danger signal to the ego.  In order for the ego to survive and thrive, it prefers us to stay asleep, with little awareness, and little desire and curiosity about another way of being.  The increase in the volume is a key component of the process, for it serves to amplify our desire and curiosity to find an alternative way to be in this world.  Essentially we have begun a civil war inside our being, and it ravens for a solution.

3 – Recognize the Dynamic

We don’t like the noise.  It is naturally opposing to our true nature.  Therefore, the noise drives us to define the noise and understand why there is the noise.  It drives us to find a way to quiet the noise.  The noise points us to recognize that there is a dynamic which we must understand in order silence the noise.  This dynamic is the relationship between the false self and the true self.  It is the dynamic between the actor in the play, and the observer of the play.  As long as we think we are the actor, there will be noise.  This recognition is at first quite shocking.  Lives are lived with the false belief that we are one, when in fact, we are two.  This recognition is fundamental to our health, our prosperity, and our clarity.

4.  Be the Observer.

Not until we begin to experience ourselves truly as the observer will there be any true peace in our lives.  For many, the practice of meditation allows for the experience of oneself as observer.  Until we can sit in our truth as the observer of everything, we will always be struggling to honor the demands and the desires of the actor, of the ego.  You can’t eat enough, have sex enough, make enough money, have enough of anything to achieve peace and clarity and serenity.  There is always more, or another, or something more interesting, yet a shinier piece, and on and on it goes.  This is the stage where one begins in earnest to understand the nature of his or her being.  With this stage, curiosity and desire for the ultimate awakening are bolstered.  Exuberance explodes from within.  Power is discovered in the silence.  Life is starting to feel more real.  You are beginning to experience yourself as the center.

5 – Energy and Intuition Emerge

This new framework is like a crack in the cosmic egg.  There is a whole new realm of awareness that is descending up you.  Life begins to make sense in a different way.  The old way of being simply won’t’ do.  Life begins to be experienced in terms of energy and intuition.  It is kind of like you have been given a new operating system.  It’s an upgrade which makes the old ways of operating a bit obsolete.  It’s like you recognize that floppy disks no longer serve any purpose.  Somebody walks into your life, and you feel who they are, rather than taking any stock in their resume.  That little voice, when it does speak to you in the form of intuition, you are better equipped to recognize it and trust it and act in alignment with it.  It takes some getting used to, but it works much better.

6.  Synchronicity.

This is the beginning of the period of miracles and perfect divine timing.   As we continue to open to a new world which we don’t fully understand, the act of staying open, of surrendering, of letting go, creates a space for what looks like extraordinary events.  You think of someone, and then they call you on the phone.  You need $200 and somehow it shows up unexpectedly.  A friend delivers the perfect book for you to read.  You may not see angels like I did, but you will have your own experiences that serve to strengthen you and make you more solid in this new way of being in the world.  Old wounds begin to lighten and heal.  Life becomes a more relaxed experience.  Your opinions don’t seem so important.  In fact, you wonder why you even have opinions since everything seems to be working out A-OK without any tampering on your part.  The magic of life makes itself present.

7.  Supreme Clarity

Something happens.  It happens.  It may be big and bold and beautiful, as I shared about my beach experience.  Or it may be subtle, without much fanfare.  It may be called Samadhi.  It may be a final recognition of complete awakening.  Regardless, you know something happened.   You know that a big something happened.  You know you will never be the same.   It may feel like divinity.  It may feel like grace.  Words fail to convey the significance of a lifetime’s work coming to fruition.  One begins for the first time to feel his or her true nature devoid of ego’s constant tampering.

8.  Abiding Awareness

Having a moment is not full awakening.  Once your ego gets a whiff of what is happening, it will, hand in hand with Maya, the goddess of illusion, begin to tempt you and work to lure you back to sleep.  This is the step that will make you crazy.  You will be riddled with questions and self-doubt.  Hold strong.  This is the time to focus all your energy on the task at hand.  Stay the course.  I have seen so many get to this point, and then stop, thinking they have finished.  If only it were that easy.

Once the awareness is abiding, then supreme clarity is ever present.  There will be no need to change the world.  There will be no need to change anyone.  The world will appear as the perfect creation that it is.  The need to fix anything will evaporate in the wisdom of your true nature.  This is a period of great transition and adjustment.  One cannot prepare for the impact of the blinding clarity.  Learning how to function in the world after achieving this state takes time.  Be gentle with yourself and experience the spaciousness of it all.  It is a time for patience.  It is a time to let the mud settle so that the water may remain clear.

I feel my love slipping away.  She believes (I believe) the connection we feel is too strong, too passionate, and the love we share is pulling her away from the real demands of her life, things like getting a job, managing her household, eating well, her children, and perhaps even exercise.   As she said, her moth got too close to my flame.  I think she is giving me way too much credit.   In fact, none of it really has anything to do with me.  I am not the object of her addiction.  It is god.  Me, she can get rid of, but that won’t solve anything long term.  She must deal with god to find her redemption.  That, I can help with.

What is it that we all want?  Jim Morrison said it best for me when he declared all we really want is something sacred in our lives.  If you have ever had the experience of oneness, of connection to all things, of merging into all of existence, then you know it can be quite intoxicating.  Some people feel it when they use drugs, or eat, or make love, or smoke, or masturbate, or spend money and buy things, or drink a fine Chardonnay at lunch in the sunshine.    All of these in excess can become addictions.

In reality, when we slow down and take a deep breath, we can feel the touch of god in most everything.  There is no question that god is everywhere.  Everything is comprised of the god force.  It does take some effort to train oneself to perceive reality just as it is.  When we add all kinds of extra filters and beliefs and false notions to our life experience, god gets squeezed out.   I look outside my window and see a red tail hawk flying in a circle overhead, and I melt.  I walk down the street and see the sparkle in the eyes of the people that meet my gaze.  I enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning which brings up fond memories of my childhood.  God is everywhere if we look for her.  The real question is how do we feel god in everything so that we don’t feel a lack.  If we don’t feel a separation from god, then our desire for the sacred does not drive us to undertake extreme activities that are not healthy nor productive.  How do we manage ourselves so that our drive for the divine is not creating chaos in our lives?   How can we insert balance into our lives so that we can have it all, live deliriously happy lives, and not feel we are addicted to something?

The gods must be crazy.  Is love an addiction?  At what point does love become an addiction rather than a glorious expression of the magnificence of life?  I have known love.  It is certainly one of the finest and most enjoyable experiences on this earth plane.  I have also taken drugs like ecstasy.  I have eaten at some of the finest restaurants in the world.  I have made love all night long and seen the fairies giggling with joy.  Smoking, masturbating, spending, the white wine, haven’t we all done some if not all of those things?  Yet on top of all of it, the experience of being in love, of sharing one’s heart, of courageously opening and surrendering to another who reciprocates in kind, well, that is the rare elixir of life.  How does this gift of the gods, this gorgeous display of passion, this thing that makes us cry with joy, how does all of this become the devil in our lives?

I am drawn to addicts.  They are my favorite people.  I freely admit I am an addict.  I smoked for20 years.  I know what it is to be physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally attached to a destructive behavior.  Addicts, in my experience, feel unusually profound feelings.  They are passionate.  Addicts have a strong desire to merge and feel god and be intertwined with everything.  Addicts are naturally self-destructive.   They figure out ways to destroy the self.  In the end, isn’t that really what this life is about, that is, confronting the self so as to understand the self.  I have sat in hundreds of 12 step meetings.  Seems to me the goal is to know thyself.  Anyone who has really done the 12 steps knows that it is one brutally honest self-examination.  I highly recommend it.  The trick is getting to end of the path in one piece.  Addicts have a unique ability to put themselves into precarious situations which lead to self-discovery, revelations, epiphanies, and spiritual wisdom.

Jim says we all want to feel something sacred.  We all want to know that this life we live means something.  We all want to sit in our deathbed one day and look back and not have any regrets.  We will want those memories of crazy powerful love, unbridled passion, and open hearted connections with those special people in our lives.  I don’t think any of us are going to look back and fondly remember the job we got, the car we purchased,  the way we played it safe, or the love we let slip away.  It must be heartbreaking to look back and wonder where all those years went, and what the hell was I thinking!

Just this last month, a dear friend of mine has been hospitalized twice.  She is young, beautiful, and healthy.  Still, as she told me the story of her first trip to the hospital, she said “Jay, at one point I really thought I could die, that is how bad I felt.”  And she could have died.  It is moments like this that remind me that this life is fragile.  I have always thought I would have loads and loads of time to hang out with my dear friend (who is now sitting in a hospital bed).  What if she had died?  What am I waiting for?  Life is short.  Now in my early fifties, I look back at the last twenty years and already wonder where all those years went.  They do go by in a blink.

“How can I set free anyone who doesn’t have the guts to stand up alone and declare his own freedom? I think it’s a lie – people claim they want to be free – everybody insists that freedom is what they want the most, the most sacred and precious thing a man can possess. But that’s bullshit! People are terrified to be set free – they hold on to their chains. They fight anyone who tries to break those chains. It’s their security…How can they expect me or anyone else to set them free if they don’t really want to be free?”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Jim Morrison

Who deserves this kind of ecstasy?  As some point, the pain of the life we live now becomes stronger than the fear of what lies up ahead.  Or maybe we just say “Screw It” and let’s get on with it.  It is also possible to use a powerful vision of the future to empower us past our fears.  Perhaps one more loss will do the trick, maybe a death or an illness.  Sad but true, with enough invitations, the universe will take action and these tragedies are the things that drive us to our knees and force us to transform, and embrace a new way of being, an elevated way of perceiving the world.  Who knows what it will take to push someone over the tipping point.

Or, you can do as I have done, and just let go.  Let go.  Surrender.  Stop fighting life.  Stop trying to control everything.  Stop listening to what others tell you as they argue for mediocrity.  Go with the flow.  Don’t think you know how any of this turns out.  But that is hard to do.  That nasty little bastard called fear is lurking just around the corner.  The fear is your ego all dressed up and ready to play.  Go tell him to piss off once and for all, and see how that works.

In the end, I adore the sacred.  I must completely agree with Jim Morrison.  I have worked all of my adult life to bring the sacred to every breath I take.  I seem to attract people to me who are in search of the sacred, and they feel it.  The sacred is indescribable.  It is palpable.  It is amazing.  The sacred is simply the best.  But how does one break on through to the other side, where life is sacred and magical.  Grab my hand and let’s dance.  It is at times sad to see such struggle, and I’d like to see transformation occur at a more rapid pace.  And then again, when I am in my center, it is all perfect, and not one damned thing needs to be changed.  I am addicted to being alive.  And if there is a 12 step meeting for that, I won’t be attending.

By Jay Cradeur

July 28, 2012

We just finished the July 2012 Bridge event last weekend in Baldwin, KS.  As often happens, I didn’t seem to have any big insights at the event, as I was so thoroughly engaged in delivering the event and supporting the participants toward breakthroughs.  I came back to California on Monday and jumped right back in to work.  This was probably not the smartest thing to do.  These events are energetically exhausting.  I normally would take a full week off with no serious obligations.  Still, I needed to get back to work to honor my commitments, and so I did.  Throughout the week, I felt tired, flat, at times manic, and overall quite emotional and feeling the need for some solitude.

You center my soul.  Your beauty humbles me.   Your courage shakes me to my core.   You are a cool wet washcloth on my forehead after a long day of gardening in the midday heat.  Your open hearted love allows me to melt.  I live in a spring shower of gratitude. You are the sunlight in my life.

I have a woman in my life.  She is quite remarkable.  She keeps telling me I don’t really know her at all.  Perhaps…  I tell her that I know enough.   What I do know is I am enchanted.  What I do know is the Goddess energy is strong in her.  I also know when I have been blessed.  Yesterday, she taught me such a powerful lesson that today I can only sleep, eat, garden, cry, and now write.  In short guys, Kali kicked my ass once again.  For those of you in relationship to strong women, you know how powerful her Kali energy can be when it demands to be fully expressed.

I learned the pitfall of pride.  Yes, pride once again gets the best of me.  It works like this.  I conduct a kick ass weekend event.  Men are transformed.  On some level, I take credit for the amazing results purported by the men.  That energy, which you could call arrogance, or pride (or stupidity, because I know this one so well), imbues my being.  I begin to think I had something to do with the powerful results, and forget the very lesson we talked about at the event:  The hollow bone.  The energy comes from the great unknown, and all I am is a portal, or hollow bone, through which the energy flows.

But no, I mismanaged the whole thing, took credit, believed I am someone I am not, and as a result,  almost lost something that is warm and wonderful and precious and rare.  In my pride filled state, I am careless.  There is no other way to put it.  It is as if my brain stops working properly, and words flow out of me, and in the moment, it seems everything I am saying is smart and witty.  This was definitely not the case.  I said something careless and hurtful.

You center my soul.  Your beauty humbles me.   Your courage shakes me to my core.   You are a  cool wet washcloth on my forehead after a long day of gardening in the midday heat.  Your open hearted love allows me to melt.  I live in a spring shower of gratitude. You are the sunlight in my life.

What I said is not important.  What is important is that I recognize when I am feeling prideful, and then get my sorry ass back to gratitude and humility.  Yesterday, She and she spoke loud and clear.  I am nothing without…. Well, I am nothing.  In the end, isn’t that the message?  A hollow bone is hollow.  There is nothing there.  I am a simple portal through which everything flows.  When I fill the portal with pride, spirit doesn’t flow, and life gets hard.  The magic dies, and I am left bloodied and bruised, half dead on the side of the road.   Roar Kali Roar!

I will never forget an experience I had at an event back in 2007.  We had just completed a process.  During the process, I touched into the feelings of helplessness.  It was not your garden variety insight.  No.  I spent a good half an hour on the floor in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably, like I had never cried before.  It was a deep and extreme contact with that particular energy.  As I came out of it, I apologized to one of the guides because I continued sobbing some 5 minutes after the process was over.  This woman, a woman I adore, she told me with a smile on her face “Jay, we like you this way.”  My humbled self exposes all my humanity.  I am fully available.  My bone is completely hollowed.  I am open for it All.

As I write this, I am listening to Beggars Banquet.  Just heard a song called Salt of the Earth.  The last line is “Let’s think of the humble of birth.”  We are all humble of birth, and then some of us pick up bad habits.  I now have a powerful memory of the damage my pride and arrogance can create in my life.  I can recall quite quickly the intensity of the searing pain associated with my false visions of grandeur.  I know what I want.  I know when I have something special to protect.  I now know what I got out of the The Bridge last weekend.  I got this potent and simple lesson:  I am careless and full of hubris when I forget who I am.  I am nothing.  And when I know I am nothing, I live in a world of wonder and magic and beauty and breathtakingly delicious companionship.

I am reminded of something my old teacher told me.  “Your greatest strength and power comes from your vulnerability.”  When I am humble, I see clearly.  When I know my place in this world, everything is possible.  When I am willing to live an unfiltered life, the strength of my courage is exposed.  Acknowledging I am nothing is not a statement of weakness.  In fact, it is a statement of the highest truth.  As Jed McKenna said, “Fire doesn’t negotiate, and nothing doesn’t burn.”  Becoming nothing is The goal.  It is the end game.

You center my soul.  Your beauty humbles me.   Your courage shakes me to my core.   You are a  cool wet washcloth on my forehead after a long day of gardening in the midday heat.  Your open hearted love allows me to melt.  I live in a spring shower of gratitude. You are the sunlight in my life.

Thank you for second chances!   Hey guys?

That which I want most

What my heart so yearns for

Is that which I most fear

Freedom

What is life without that?

Ever present, always lingering

Lurking like a trench coated bad man

The tick tock tick tock of Dread

Am I an addict?

I choose security and familiarity

Over an eternity of ecstatic dance

The temple is prepared

The butter lamps are lit

The frankincense resin is burning

The eyes of the saints peer at the golden door

Their hands form in prayer for my deliverance

The gates are drawn for my arrival

Always and forever

If I dare

Hold tight

Knuckles white

Teeth clenched

Surrendering only to death

Only to death!

Forsaking the keys to the kingdom

It is my own darkness that I avoid

I fear me, and for that I dread

That which God knows

That for which I will not look

Pull the needle of ego out of my arm

Take the tit of adolescence out of my mouth

Embrace the dread

Befriend the unrelenting bastard

The truth and its toll are the gateless gate

They say go through the gate

I turn and run the other way

The only way to the bottom of it

Is through the dark bottomless pit

Have I never felt the divine?

Relax my shoulders

Breathe slow and deep

Taste clean air

The invitation is to go in

Not out

Bathe in  the universal silence

Suffer in place

Release my desires

Open to the wide moist world of Gaia

The light that I seek lies just beyond

Just beyond….the horizon of my dark passenger

The light is alive

The light is life

The ambient emerald water of the island of Tortola

The early morning open window of the Midwest farm

The setting sun on the wandering elk of the Badlands

The whirling rainbow prisms of the crystal cenote in Mexico

God is everywhere

They whisper – Go to it

I am me.  If I dare

Am I strong enough to renounce that which no longer serves

Am I courageous enough to leave the tribe and go it alone

Am I wizard enough to incinerate self and survive

Am I naked enough to lay bare in front of God

Dare I dive into my own river of radiance

And render unto Cesar nothing

                                    Jay Cradeur 6/3/12

I water the tomato plant, and there you are.  I smell the basil, and imagine the subtle essence of your scent.  I look at the sunrise and wonder if you are awake, looking at the same sun in same the sky at the same time.

I have never loved a woman until lately.  Truly loving a woman is not what I thought.  It is not what I have been taught.  It couldn’t be.  It must be self-taught.  It must descend from the heavens like a gift from the goddess.  When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

Real love is not what passes for romantic love.  Romantic love is young love and it is possessive.  It loves the idea of love.  It enjoys the picture and wants to be viewed.

Real love only wants what is best for the object of its affection.   Can I be in service to the goddess, rather than a demand of the goddess?  Can I be a force of love, a conduit for love,  rather than a response or a reaction to love?  Can I love unconditionally, without any understanding, and without any expectation of receiving love in return?   Can I live in insecurity and uncertainty?  No guarantees?   If I can answer Yes, then I am approaching authentic love.  This is real love.  That is not the love of red roses.  This that I speak is not red.  It is so white hot, colors don’t matter.  The flame never extinguishes.  This love, the real stuff, is patient, and compassionate, and selfless, and prone to err on the side of ebullient adoration, and overwhelming feelings, and uncontainable bliss.   It is self-sustaining and available for everyone in my path.  The bright comes to life.  It is a light that must shine.  Heaven is gonna burn your eyes!

“I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One.” 

                                                Seth from the movie City of Angels

Real love is tempered with defeat, and heart ache, and ruptures.  Real love is forged steel.  Only someone who has loved and loss knows of what I speak.  Love is who I am.  It has taken a lifetime to unearth it.  Love was there all the time.  I had been looking everyplace except where it lives, deep inside of me.  It is not mine to give away.  It is a gift that flows through me.  I am only an ancient vessel.  Love is there for me to stay out of its way.  Can I do that?  Can I keep my petty boy wants out of it?  Can I relax into it?  Can I be a shining beacon of the ultimate possibility of love?  Not jealous.  Not possessive.  Not angry.  But rather can I be completely surrendered to the desires and wants of my beloved?  Can I be exuberantly broken wide open, and content, and aware of the magnificence of this willingness to love unconditionally, completely vulnerable, and exposed to both the highs and the lows of human emotion, heartbreak and ecstasy.  Real love is a worn smooth ocean stone, beautifully aged wave after wave.

To survive this love, this biggest of loves, I must focus inward.  My true love lies within, and only from there can it emanate out to my beloveds.   Anything else is just an illusion, not the real thing, but rather a shiny imitation that will not last the test of time.

A thought of her sends a cellular reaction throughout my body.  Like a gentle buzz, I can feel a light and fast vibration from my head to my toes.  I think of making love, and can only imagine her pleasure.  That will bring me my pleasure.  I see a future entwining, and can feel her hand in mine.  It is soft and warm and wise and infinitely capable of singular joy and divine expression.  Happiness descends on me at will, at any moment, all day, every day.

I water the tomato plant, and there you are.  I smell the basil, and imagine the subtle essence of your scent.  I look at the sunrise and wonder if you are awake, looking at the same sun in same the sky at the same time.

Am I talking about a physical woman, or the big She?  Is there any difference?  I have come to know them as one in the same.

She is she. And she is She.

Can I awaken both?  Am I grateful enough to have both?  Am I awake enough to deliver the adoration she and She deserve.  Have I earned her devotion with this master work of discipline that I call my life.   Time will tell.

“Love does not fail for you when you are rejected, betrayed or apparently not Loved.  Love fails for you when you reject, betray and do not love.  Therefore .. Love.”    Adi Da Samraj